take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
