I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Randomize
