Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
