This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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