My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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