By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
