You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
