Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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