Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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