If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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