Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
