dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
