if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
