Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
