this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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