the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
