I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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