there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
