I wish my penis had an off switch
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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