it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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