Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I have already put on my inside pants.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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