There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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