4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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