This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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