i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
