Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
