shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
