I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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