Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
