i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
