You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I supernannyed him into submission
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
