Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
