We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
