Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
