ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
