Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
BRING THE BAGELS
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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