i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
