if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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