I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
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i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
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DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
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