I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
