i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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