Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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