I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
