i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
