We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
me + whiskey = a bad person
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
