I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
