Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
