me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
