i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
