can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
