when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
We are all done wearing pants today
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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