Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
