Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
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i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize