mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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