just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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