end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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