she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
