you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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