Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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