buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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