how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
