Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
